Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Gabriel's Inferno: Ch 3: Julia needs a life coach. STAT.

When we last left off, Julia had just realized she'd left a note that called her professor an ass under his door, on the day he found out his mother had passed away. Seriously, how does Julia not have an anvil drop on her head every time she walks outside? At this point I almost feel bad calling her out for being so weak willed and painfully clueless...but that will pass.

Jules decides she's going to buy some liquor, write a heartfelt apology to Rachel (her friend whose mother passed), and spend the day remembering Grace. Finally Julia does something relate able. I'm not saying get drunk every time you have a bad day (because you would probably be drunk most work weeks), but life works differently in college. If you drink all the time it's called being an undergraduate or surviving your Master's degree. When you drink all the time in the real world it's called alcoholism.

Learn the difference.

And then, because she just can't help it, Julia somehow morphs Grace passing into being about her. Narcissism has no limits, y'all. You know what DOES have limits? My patience.

She stood in front of the Prada store, envisioning the one and only time Rachel had taken her shopping for couture shoes. Julia still had those black Prada stilettos, tucked in a shoebox in the back of her closet. They'd only been worn once, on the night she's been betrayed, and although she would have loved to have destroyed them like she destroyed her dress, she couldn't. Rachel had bought them for her as a homecoming present, having had no idea what Julia was actually coming home to.

We better find out that Julia's ex-boyfriend was Dexter-ing the shit out of some people and she walked in on it or something along those lines. I'm going to be irate if it turns out he broke up with her because they were both moving in different directions after graduation and she's still railing on him.

Julia stops thinking about herself long enough to cry about Grace in front of the Chanel boutique. If I were a Chanel shopper (I'm not), and I saw some woman weeping in front of the store it would freak me out. Not because I'm insensitive, but because I would assume her credit cards had been declined and she would go from teary mess to plotting death by stilettos in the snap of a manicured finger.

Julia walks home and in a moment of clarity realizes the following:

Julia walked back to her apartment slowly and began to beat herself up for having been a bad surrogate daughter, a lousy friend, and an insensitive twit who didn't know better than to check a scrap of paper to see if it was blank before she left it behind with her name on it for someone whose beloved mother had just died.

Congrats, Jules. The first step is recognizing you have a problem. Now work at it. There's a huge difference between recognizing you have a problem and doing something about it.

Then she reverts right back:

Julia was surprised that The Professor hadn't had her dismissed from the program on the spot. Perhaps he remembers me.

Jules, his mother just passed away. If he didn't recognize you in class, then he's not going to know the difference between you and the Starbucks barista he makes cry on his way to work. You're not even on his radar.

                                                      (self involvement level: Kim K)


When Professor Emerson returns to campus two weeks later, he has Julia summoned to his office for the much dreaded meeting. Emerson spends the twenty-four hours he has between scheduling his meeting with Julia and her arrival at his office terrorizing every mouth breather in the tri-state area.

As it turns out Paul has a meeting with Emerson before Julia does. On his way out of the office, Paul asks Julia on a date. KNOWING the Professor she inadvertently insulted (in writing) on the day his mother died is waiting to discuss her academic future with her, Julia blushes and twitches and writes her number on a scrap of paper for Paul. She does this while mentioning her cell phone in the same sentence. Why the eff wouldn't she would just text him? Julia uses troll logic. That's why. Throughout the few chapters I've read so far, Julia has mentioned her eagerness to do well in school. Then she does this -ish. #YOLO.

                                               (pictured: Julia's academic career in motion)

Julia enters the office knowing that she's in trouble and what does she do? She notices how attractive Emerson is. Well that's good. That'll give you something to think about when you're applying for minimum wage jobs because you were kicked out of your program in under a month.

Needless to the say the meeting does not go well.

I expect an answer when I ask you a question. Surely you've learned your lesson by now?” He studied her quickly, then glanced back at the file in his hands. “Perhaps you're not that bright.”

It's Professor Emerson,” he snapped. “Doctors are a dime a dozen. Even chiropractors and podiatrists refer to themselves as 'doctors'” → Julia made the mistake of addressing him as Dr. Emerson

Would you stop fussing with that ridiculous abomination of a bag and sit in a chair like a human being?” → Julia's satchel broke and she was trying to collect her things

Things get even worse when Emerson pulls out a condolence card Julia sent along with some flowers to the funeral.

Emerson wastes no time dismissing her from the program. He's all “GTFO and TTYN” and Julia just sits there stunned.

That is all, Miss Mitchell.”

                                                    (You will never be Miranda, Gabriel) 

Of course it's raining when Julia walks home. Of course she's wearing a white, thin shirt and has no umbrella. Actually, I can't shade her for this. I've had something similar happen to me twice. I always forget to bring an umbrella with me and it blows when you're that girl strolling into class, soaking wet, wearing white, looking like this:


but Julia is a Mary Sue so I bet she still looks good. Like Victoria's Secret model good.

It was all over. Now she would have to return to Tom's little house in Selinsgrove in disgrace...and he would discover that and laugh at her. They would laugh at her together. Stupid Julia. Thought she could leave Selinsgrove and make something of herself. It was all over now, at least for this academic year.


A Jaguar pulls to the side of the road and a voice tells her to get in. This makes Julia curious.

(Hey, Jules. You like to read. Check out this book and see why getting into cars with rich strangers is maybe not the most well thought out plan)

But of course it's Professor Emerson and Julia does accept the ride. I bet she does.

My hopes for future chapters:

1. Emerson Freaky Fridays with someone charming like Hugh Jackman and Julia gets with him then.

2. A spine for Julia.