Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Gabriel's Inferno: Ch 3: Julia needs a life coach. STAT.

When we last left off, Julia had just realized she'd left a note that called her professor an ass under his door, on the day he found out his mother had passed away. Seriously, how does Julia not have an anvil drop on her head every time she walks outside? At this point I almost feel bad calling her out for being so weak willed and painfully clueless...but that will pass.

Jules decides she's going to buy some liquor, write a heartfelt apology to Rachel (her friend whose mother passed), and spend the day remembering Grace. Finally Julia does something relate able. I'm not saying get drunk every time you have a bad day (because you would probably be drunk most work weeks), but life works differently in college. If you drink all the time it's called being an undergraduate or surviving your Master's degree. When you drink all the time in the real world it's called alcoholism.

Learn the difference.

And then, because she just can't help it, Julia somehow morphs Grace passing into being about her. Narcissism has no limits, y'all. You know what DOES have limits? My patience.

She stood in front of the Prada store, envisioning the one and only time Rachel had taken her shopping for couture shoes. Julia still had those black Prada stilettos, tucked in a shoebox in the back of her closet. They'd only been worn once, on the night she's been betrayed, and although she would have loved to have destroyed them like she destroyed her dress, she couldn't. Rachel had bought them for her as a homecoming present, having had no idea what Julia was actually coming home to.

We better find out that Julia's ex-boyfriend was Dexter-ing the shit out of some people and she walked in on it or something along those lines. I'm going to be irate if it turns out he broke up with her because they were both moving in different directions after graduation and she's still railing on him.

Julia stops thinking about herself long enough to cry about Grace in front of the Chanel boutique. If I were a Chanel shopper (I'm not), and I saw some woman weeping in front of the store it would freak me out. Not because I'm insensitive, but because I would assume her credit cards had been declined and she would go from teary mess to plotting death by stilettos in the snap of a manicured finger.

Julia walks home and in a moment of clarity realizes the following:

Julia walked back to her apartment slowly and began to beat herself up for having been a bad surrogate daughter, a lousy friend, and an insensitive twit who didn't know better than to check a scrap of paper to see if it was blank before she left it behind with her name on it for someone whose beloved mother had just died.

Congrats, Jules. The first step is recognizing you have a problem. Now work at it. There's a huge difference between recognizing you have a problem and doing something about it.

Then she reverts right back:

Julia was surprised that The Professor hadn't had her dismissed from the program on the spot. Perhaps he remembers me.

Jules, his mother just passed away. If he didn't recognize you in class, then he's not going to know the difference between you and the Starbucks barista he makes cry on his way to work. You're not even on his radar.

                                                      (self involvement level: Kim K)


When Professor Emerson returns to campus two weeks later, he has Julia summoned to his office for the much dreaded meeting. Emerson spends the twenty-four hours he has between scheduling his meeting with Julia and her arrival at his office terrorizing every mouth breather in the tri-state area.

As it turns out Paul has a meeting with Emerson before Julia does. On his way out of the office, Paul asks Julia on a date. KNOWING the Professor she inadvertently insulted (in writing) on the day his mother died is waiting to discuss her academic future with her, Julia blushes and twitches and writes her number on a scrap of paper for Paul. She does this while mentioning her cell phone in the same sentence. Why the eff wouldn't she would just text him? Julia uses troll logic. That's why. Throughout the few chapters I've read so far, Julia has mentioned her eagerness to do well in school. Then she does this -ish. #YOLO.

                                               (pictured: Julia's academic career in motion)

Julia enters the office knowing that she's in trouble and what does she do? She notices how attractive Emerson is. Well that's good. That'll give you something to think about when you're applying for minimum wage jobs because you were kicked out of your program in under a month.

Needless to the say the meeting does not go well.

I expect an answer when I ask you a question. Surely you've learned your lesson by now?” He studied her quickly, then glanced back at the file in his hands. “Perhaps you're not that bright.”

It's Professor Emerson,” he snapped. “Doctors are a dime a dozen. Even chiropractors and podiatrists refer to themselves as 'doctors'” → Julia made the mistake of addressing him as Dr. Emerson

Would you stop fussing with that ridiculous abomination of a bag and sit in a chair like a human being?” → Julia's satchel broke and she was trying to collect her things

Things get even worse when Emerson pulls out a condolence card Julia sent along with some flowers to the funeral.

Emerson wastes no time dismissing her from the program. He's all “GTFO and TTYN” and Julia just sits there stunned.

That is all, Miss Mitchell.”

                                                    (You will never be Miranda, Gabriel) 

Of course it's raining when Julia walks home. Of course she's wearing a white, thin shirt and has no umbrella. Actually, I can't shade her for this. I've had something similar happen to me twice. I always forget to bring an umbrella with me and it blows when you're that girl strolling into class, soaking wet, wearing white, looking like this:


but Julia is a Mary Sue so I bet she still looks good. Like Victoria's Secret model good.

It was all over. Now she would have to return to Tom's little house in Selinsgrove in disgrace...and he would discover that and laugh at her. They would laugh at her together. Stupid Julia. Thought she could leave Selinsgrove and make something of herself. It was all over now, at least for this academic year.


A Jaguar pulls to the side of the road and a voice tells her to get in. This makes Julia curious.

(Hey, Jules. You like to read. Check out this book and see why getting into cars with rich strangers is maybe not the most well thought out plan)

But of course it's Professor Emerson and Julia does accept the ride. I bet she does.

My hopes for future chapters:

1. Emerson Freaky Fridays with someone charming like Hugh Jackman and Julia gets with him then.

2. A spine for Julia.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Gabriel's Inferno Ch 1: Julia Mitchell might have PTSD

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess....just kidding she's a poor college student. Lol, can you imagine Princess Jasmine slumming it with peasants in Econ? Didn't think so. But speaking of peasants, the book opens with our resident heroine, Julia Mitchell, spacing out in class and being verbally bitch slapped by her professor for doing so.

Our literary hero, Professor Gabrielle Emerson, captures Julia's attention by saying such gems as:

I expect an answer to my question, Miss Mitchell, If you'd care to join us.” His voice was glacial, like his eyes.

Is English your first language?” He mocked her.

Since Miss Mitchell seems to be carrying on in a parallel seminar in a different language, perhaps someone would be kind enough to answer my question?”
Wow. No wonder she has to have him. Don't be ashamed if your clothes fell off reading that dialogue guys. I usually need to leave the room when someone starts talking to me like trash. Not because I'm humiliated or trying to keep from throwing my drink in their face, but because I need to find a pair of replacement pants for the ones that just mysteriously fell off my body.

Naturally, there's a token raven haired skank anxious to step in and answer whatever question the Professor asked. Based on the book's narration, the dark haired woman all but dry humps Emerson's leg while speaking in fluent Italian to answer him. Take note readers: that's how classy bitches do it – they speak a foreign language while marking their territory.

This seems oddly familiar:

                                            (dark haired women should be spayed...we get it)
Back to Julia, who creepily keeps being referred to as “rabbit”. I mean...this book is supposed to be erotic. I might be in the minority here, but reading a grown woman being called something as childlike as rabbit is like literary birth control for me. It makes me want to put more clothes on. I'm only on page nine and she's been called rabbit multiple times and seems to have the personality of a trauma survivor.

“The young woman opened her mouth minutely and closed it, staring into those unblinking blue eyes, her own eyes wide like a frightened rabbit”

“All eyes shifted back to the frightened rabbit, whose skin exploded into crimson as she ducked her head, finally escaping the professor's gaze.”

The frightened rabbit blinked back tears as she continued scribbling, but mercifully she did not cry.

...a small square of folded paper appeared on top of the frightened rabbit's Italian dictionary

I'm reading this book on my e-reader so there might be a page discrepancy if you have a paperback version, but on my version she's called rabbit four times on page nine alone. Plus, did she just get back from 'Nam or something? What is she so scared of? He's a dick professor, not a man wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete on the prowl for topless co-eds.

Luckily for our gal Jules, the guy sitting next to her is a regulation hottie and he thinks she's having some kind of breakdown right there in front of him girlfriend material. Hottie's name is Paul and he takes pity on Jules by slipping her a note stating:

Emerson is an ass.

Julia reacts by flushing (two pink clouds on the curve of her cheek), by smiling (not enough to show teeth, though), and raising her large eyes shyly.

                                                (this is how I picture the look on Julia's face)

The Professor notices Julia isn't in a constant state of terror and calls on her again. Good thing Paul is there to save the day, because Bella Julia is too busy biting her lip to answer Emerson's question again. Julia is working on her master's degree mind you. I “get” being shy, but how did she survive earning her undergraduate degree if she has a coronary every time she's called on in class? MIT should be studying her because it's a miracle she's still alive at this point. See also: Xanax.

Julia Mitchell: college survivor.

The first chapter ends with “the frightened rabbit” (seriously...that's what she's called..again) trembling as the Professor orders her to see him in his office after class.

I would hope it's to give her a pamphlet on finding help for her obvious inability to cope with the outside world, but sadly I feel pretty confident it's just so he can emotionally break her down more. Who said romance was dead?

                                                 (Emma Pilsbury was not prepared for this)